October 2010
I’ve had a drink or two almost every night for about six days or so.
Alcoholism isn’t so bad. The first step is admitting you have a problem. Once you know you have a problem you can manage it.
It’s all good until you have a drunken meltdown but y’know generally the next morning you wake up feeling good. And this morning I woke up in a great mood. Everything was...
iPad jealousy
Just sitting here tumbling on my 1st gen iTouch while Mom is playing with the iPad she bought for her and Dad. So jealous. I really want an iPad now.
I’ve seen the calendar app. It could change my life!!!
Revelation in Therapy Tonight (or a "hey duh"...
Tonight in therapy we talked about my, now non-existent, relationship with a girl who's a lesbian that I was hopelessly in love with. This girl was also my best friend and closest companion.
I was afraid to tell her how I felt about her because I knew she would reject me and have a hatred for me. This was how she was. Her mom would come to me and ask me what was going on with her because I knew her best. Did I mention that we were close?
Anyway, I told her, she rejected me and hates me still to this day. I'm over it, she's not.
All of what I know about her, all my experiences with her I've told to my therapist.
Therapist: She's mental dude, don't even think about going back to her.
Me: Fuck no. I don't want to go back to her.
Therapist: Good, because she really has some deep issues. She's probably BPD.
Me: BPD?
Therapist: Borderline personality disorder.
Me: How do you know?
He then whips out his diagnosis manual and reads off the nine traits used to diagnose BPD. As he lists them off he either says yes, she has them, or no she doesn't. He looks to me for each one. I agree with him every time.
To be considered to have BPD you must have at minimum five of the traits. She has eight, maybe even all nine.
Me: Heavy shit.
Therapist: Yeah, does that explain a lot?
Me: Yeah... So I just had some sort of epiphany. I'm not the one that's fucked in the head, she is.
Therapist: ...yeeeeahhh. You're just now figuring this out?
Me: Shut the fuck up. It's my epiphany.
So what's been bothering me all along is that I thought I was the one that had done something wrong. I thought I was wrong for telling my best friend that I loved her and being afraid to do so. I thought the rejection was my fault. It wasn't my fault. I did nothing wrong.
For quite awhile, I've missed her. I don't miss her specifically, I miss the relationship we had. All the kind of stuff that we enjoyed. We could do things that we didn't know would be fun and have the time of our lives. When we talked, we were on the same level. We understood each others references and jokes. We were people. The things we did gave me a warm feeling in my heart, part of it due to spicy asian food and lack of antacids. I decided on the way to therapy that I was going to do all the things that gave me that good feeling.
I'm going to live my life with a good feeling
